Stress with Siehara

So last night after First Strides, Siehara had an appointment for her med check. 

We were in the waiting room and she was making these annoying  noises that she tends to make constantly... almost like a tic or something.  I asked her to stop at least twice and she pretty much ignored me and continued to text her friend.  I told her that if she did not stop, I was going to take her phone away.  She did not give it back to me right away, so I let her know that she had 2 minutes to give me her phone back or she would not get it bac****il Monday.  If she gave it to me right away, I would give it back in the morning.  

She basically threw it at me and then proceeded to have one of her episodes.  She was crying and snapping at me and telling me that I was horrible and she was not normal and nobody she knew was like her and she hated that she had to come to "this place"  (Kids Peace)  She also expressed her hatred for me and told me she wanted to go live with the Caines where it would be better than living with me.

Of course, I know she was just angry with me and this is also part of normal adolescent behavior (the hate part), but it hurt my feelings all the same.   She calmed down by the time we went into see the psychiatrist, but I was sure to let him know what happened.  I did talk about all the great reports I have gotten from school, so far.  I did that first.  THEN, I told him what happened in the waiting room and the things that she was concerned about... being normal, taking meds, etc.  He told her about the tons of other kids that come through his office who are the same if not worse than she is.  I think that helped.   

We determined that her bedtime needs to be dropped back from 9 to 8:30 and he suggested taking something about an hour before bedtime to help her adjust.  I asked about melatonin and he agreed that was a good option since it is not addictive.  I will get this for her when I go get my buy one get one free vitamins at Giant-- along with my $1.00 of coupon!! WOOT!

On the way home, I asked her if she had anything to say to me and she apologized.  She did sound like she meant it, but still I had to ask for it.  This morning when she got up, she came in my room and told me she was really sorry for last night.  I let her know that this apology meant a lot to me and asked if she knew why.  She said it was because I didn't have to ask her for it.  Exactly!  We laid together on my bed for a few minutes and she let me give her a hug and kiss before she left for school.  That in itself meant the world to me!!

and so are the days of my life........... Thanks for letting me vent.

You're a really good Mommy, Lisa!

So this is what I have to look forward to in the pre-teen years? lol

On a serious note I am glad that she apologized on her own this morning. I know how much that meant to you. I love Siehara and she is totally normal! I think so much stress is put on kids, )yes, she is still a kid!) to fit in, or to be a cookie cutter of everyone else that when they are an individual they think something is wrong.

Good luck with the earlier bed time, I think I might try that myself :) Oh and I was taking Valerian Root too before bed for a while and that helped tremendously. It was also suggested to turn off "electronics" 1 hour before bed and read or do a quiet activity - maybe a hot bath or shower. My Grandmother is also a big proponent of warm milk or camomile tea - There is a "sleepy time" tea that is great.

Good luck hun and if you need anything you know where to fine me! Same goes for Siehara, she can always call / text / email me too.

I can't imagine being a single parent - She does know how lucky she is to have you - and you are absolutely doing the right thing by her.  You know your limitations and although your feelings were hurt - you knew the words were said out of anger and were probably misdirected.  It is actually a good thing that she is able to verbalize her feelings.  The fact that she doesn't feel normal - whatever that is BTW I don't know - just reminds her that she DOES need the meds in order to feel better in her body.  I can't imagine what it must be like to be in a body that does not work the way you want it to.  I feel the same way about Molly, even when she is driving me absolutely the most crazy - I remind myself that I have no idea what it is like to live in her world.  The ease of flying off the handle - the way she goes from zero to rage in NO TIME, it can't feel good. Sometimes sleep and hugs and reminders of love are as big as the meds and the doctors. 

I think you are doing a GREAT job with her and as she gets older and more mature, YES...it WILL happen, you will see the values you instilled in her are there and VERY VERY strong!  Love you sis! :)

Lisa,

You have a great kid! I cannot imagine being a single parent! Although sometimes I feel like one when Steven checks out!! Which, by the way, has been ALOT lately!! But that is another post....

Obviously you have done a great job with Siehara. For her to come on her own and apologize was HUGE!! Not many teenagers do that. You should feel good knowing that you have given her morals and values! I think the one thing to remember is that as a mom you are there for her no matter what. As much as she may yell and scream, it is her release valve. As Liz said, too much pressure on our kids to fit in, look a certain way, etc....Keep on supporting her and know that we are here to support you!!

Love, Beth

Lisa just a few questions but if they are too personal just say so. Does she have ADD or ADHD? Why was she at or going to Kid's Peace?

I've dealt with kids from the CHE and also with ADHD and have found that very clearly defined rules, schedules and limits that are 100% enforced with very clear consequences work best.
All perks are earned and not granted before hand and taken away later. (although if you`ve already given those perks then many will have to be taken away if behavior doesn't warrant keeping them.)

Kid's will do what works in their best interest so take the apology with a grain of salt if it isn't followed by behavior change or did you now already grant her phone privilege.

PS think about removing all colorings, refined sugars and other processed foods from her diet along with caffeinated and colored beverages.

Not too personal at all.  I am an open book because I need all the help I can get. 

She has ADHD and anxiety and is mostly under control with her meds. 

We typically do have schedules and limits, but I will admit that I do sometimes have a hard time with consistency. 

Regarding the phone, I had told her that if she gave it to me within a certain time frame that she could have it back in the morning.  She did do that, so IMO she should get it back because that is what I told her. 

Bedtime will be changed and the phone is the first privilege taken away during the week, and the laptop on the weekend.  She is aware of this, though will forget it during times of stress.

I am going to look into her diet.  She eats pretty healthfully(?) at home because of my diet, but she does eat things she shouldn't have when she is outside.  There is no soda in the house, so it is a treat when she is out. 

Thanks for all of your advice.  It is much appreciated.

Following up on what kutzro 357 said...check out the Feingold diet. My Sierra flies off the handle in a millisecond too. We still haven't found her right meds, but, we've only just begun. She is notably (read...HORRIBLY) worse when she ingests red dye. Whether in medicines or candies or drinks...she knows it too. She's 15. Also, caffeine...horrible...always has been. Used to be the same with chocolate. The feingold diet may give you some ideas that you can link with certain behaviors and what to eliminate. Some of them are surprising and they give you good ideas of foods that are safe to eat.

As for the apology...it's so nice when they do what you expect without being told. Morning apologies always seem more meaningful to me as long as it isn't followed up with..."now do I get my phone?" It's like they spent some time thinking about it, they get it...then they snuggle or just give me a hug. Makes my day anyway.

There is an old book you can probably find on line by Dr Lendon Smith called Feed Your Kid's Right. It was written about 1980  when I got it and some called him wacky but many people got great results.

I am going to look into this.  I have considered trying to make changes in her diet.  It is difficult to do it at this age, though, since she already knows what she likes. 

She knows that junk food is only allowed in moderation and I try not to keep it in the house.  BUT, of course she likes it, wants it, craves it.. and yes, she does already have a weight problem that she says she wants to work on.  She already has the classic signs of an overeater and the person I used to be.  Getting the motivation to do something about it, though, has not come to her yet.  

I do try to get her to do active things with me, but since 1. she doesn't want to spend time with mom and 2. she is pretty lazy, this does not always work.  She is not interested in any sports and decided not to take dance this year b/c she can't go on the day all her friends from last year are going.  Hopefully her new friends that she is making will get her outside and off the couch more often.